Meditation for today

“The promise of recovery is a restoration of self. Sexuality is part of who we are, a part that became lost and distorted through our addiction. When we reclaim the possibility of healthier sexuality, we regain a vital aspect of our being.”  SAA Page 72

 

For many of us, our first introduction to sexuality was a violation. Perhaps even a violent violation of who we are at an age inappropriate for any person to have to experience. As we grow and mature, we see our partners and potential partners through the distorted view that was forced upon us when we were not ready. For some of us, we re-live and re-enact the trauma of our childhood unaware of the path we have chosen or perhaps aware but unable to stop living in the past. This unhealthy behavior laying the groundwork for all future unhealthy acts.

 

Others of us had suppressed the  memories of our childhood abuses, our spirit finding the pain of the memory simply too much to bear. We bury the memory and wonder why we always seem to follow the same abusive patterns in our sexuality repeatedly through the years, our unhealthy sexual behavior leaving a trail of wreckage and pain to ourselves and others like the one definition of insanity, expecting that this time, the result will be different. Finding time and time again that the experience left us devastated and demoralized we finally threw our hands up in surrender and came to the program with the hope of achieving serenity. Working the twelve steps of recovery is what restores us to sanity, brings us sobriety and helps us achieve serenity. Just the promise of recovery is enough for us to gain hope that we are not damaged goods and that a loving healthy sexual relationship is possible.

 

Today I will remember that I deserve a healthy sexual relationship and I reclaim that part of myself that was taken from me so long ago.  

 

Brett B.

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Monday Meeting

Hi All!

 

I am exploring what interest there may be for a new mixed book/step meeting on Monday nights. Somewhere close to where Interstate 15 and Highway 78 meet.

 

I would appreciate any comments anyone has.

 

Thanks,

 

Brett

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FW: When Pumpkins Drink

One is too much and 1,000 is never enough.

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt

If only they would see what I mean and understand what is going on; my life would be perfect and I would not feel this way. The Big Book tells us that all of life is but a stage and we are but actors upon it. Where we get frustrated is when we attempt to direct the other actors instead of simply focusing on our own recovery and health. Our lives had become so unmanageable that we had to cry out to our Higher Power for help. How is it possible for us to think we could manage someone else’s life? The root of this perceived power lies in our own feelings of inferiority. The people we try to manage are the very people we so desperately need approval from. Those who can make us feel the worst about ourselves can only do so if we give them the power to. Others around us are going to do and say what they feel they must do and say no matter how hard we wish they would not. To overcome this character flaw and take responsibility for ourselves, we must stop trying to please people who simply do not care. There are people in our lives who will do, say and think whatever they want to without regard to our own wishes. Let these poisonous people go. Nothing we say and nothing we do will change them. So stop it.

 

I am going to take a deep breath and choose to not feel inferior and not seek approval from those who wouldn’t give it to me anyway.

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Henry Ford

 Slipping is so demoralizing to us if we have embraced the program. Nothing ruins a binge like the knowledge we have gained by even the slightest exposure to SAA. It was easy for us to put the most disgusting, demoralizing and degrading behavior into our inner circle. It was much harder to move those other behaviors, those behaviors that to some are not addicting, into our inner circle. Perhaps it took us months of deluding ourselves that this action, the one we turn to when we are sad, anxious, angry or lonely into our inner circle. Perhaps we knew all along that this was inner circle behavior but we held onto our “public” sobriety too tightly to admit it to ourselves and to another person. It is how we feel after we act out that tells us the truth whether an activity belongs in our inner circle or not. And then far too quickly we slip. “It is such a simple act!” and it may very well be simpler or less demoralizing than other acts in our inner circle, but we feel no less a failure for the slip.

 

Today let me understand and know the meaning and feeling of these powerful words, Progress – not Perfection, and then let me begin my sobriety again.

A liar will not be believed, even when he speaks the truth - Aesop

We spent so much of our life lying. Part of the unmanageability of our lives was the challenge of remembering which lie we told to whom. But the biggest lies we told were the lies we told to ourselves. No matter what each of our stories was, we all told the same lies to ourselves. “I deserved this.” “This is the last time.” “No one will know.” “This doesn’t hurt any one.” “Everybody does it.” And the really big one: “I am not an addict.” The Steps we work are not the only steps we take. First we stop lying to ourselves and admit we have a problem although self-delusion still haunts us occasionally. Then we stop lying to other addicts. You can’t fool someone who has been there and done that. And then we stop lying to everyone else. Finally we begin to feel good about our recovery only to become angry at those we love when they question us. Can’t they see that we are finally honest? Can’t they see we are finally sober? The answer is they hope so. We may have found truth and are now committed to not lie but it is difficult for those in our lives who were hurt by years and years of lying. A few months of sobriety does not erase years of acting out no matter how much we wish it were true.

Grant me the strength to remain true – especially when all around me think I am still lying

Any idiot can face a crisis - its day to day living that wears you out. - Anton Chekhov

Each of us has a different definition of what is “right” and what is “wrong” and that is OK. The brothers and sisters in our program do not judge us. Though “normal” people can and generally do judge us – at least we want to believe that they do, we are truly only answerable to our Higher Power and to ourselves. We may not always know what is “right”, but we definitely know when we are wrong. That terrible sick feeling we get in the pit of our stomach screams a warning to us. And then we find we already knew the outcome when we are faced with cleaning up whatever the mess we made is. We clearly seem to know when we are about to do something wrong. The challenge, the day to day choices we make are the ones that are the hardest to make. Is the choice I am about to make based on self-will or is it G-d’s will? Am I hoping that my choice will lead to the end result I want? Or will I accept whatever the consequences my choice will bring, knowing that the answer may be a lesson, a gift or another challenge from our Higher Power? Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God. Perhaps this is not a one time choice. Perhaps the peace we seek and the energy we need to get through each day comes from this simple but powerful piece of wisdom.

Let me wake up each day and not doubt the direction my Higher Power sends me.

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